Salam Alaikum dear sisters,🌸
How are you feeling today? I hope you’re enjoying your Sunday and feeling at peace.
Warm welcome new sisters to this group.❤️
Today I’d like to send you a message about children as I promised you earlier this week.
One of the most common questions from sisters why children don’t listen to our logical explanations when they are upset or angry?
So today about TANTRUMS and what kids truly need in those difficult moments.
🧠 Two important questions to reflect on:
1. What do we really want when we say we want our child to “listen”?
Do we want them to understand us, or do we want obedience for them to do exactly what we say, without question?
2. When do we usually try to explain things logically to a child?
Often, we do it in the middle of an emotional outburst, when the child is already overwhelmed and upset. But during those moments, a child literally cannot hear or process logically, their brain is focused on survival, not reason.
💥 So What does a child need during emotional storms?
Even if it seems like giving a logical explanation should help calm them down, it usually doesn’t because the part of their brain that understands logic is still developing and becomes “unreachable” during intense emotion.
That’s why in those moments, what helps most is not reasoning or scolding, but *empathy.*‼️
What a child needs is not shame, anger, or punishment.
They need our calm, our presence, and a feeling of safety.
✋🏽 But what if child is hitting, pushing, or kicking?
If your child is physically acting out hitting, kicking, biting, or pushing it’s a clear sign they are overwhelmed by big feelings and cannot regulate their body.
In that moment:
• Stay calm, not reactive.
• Gently but firmly stop the behavior. Say something like:
“I won’t let you hurt me, brother or brake something. I’m here. You’re safe. Let’s take some deep breaths together.”
If environment is too dangerous, tell youll lift a child and take him/ her to another room or place to be together where is more safe. Don’t leave your child alone!!!!
• *Don’t punish*—protect a child and yourself . They need help, not harm.
This teaches them that you are their safe place, even when they lose control. Over time, your calm response becomes their internal model for self-regulation.
Only after a child’s nervous system has calmed down, once they’ve felt and released their emotions, begin to explain things logically.
And even then, it should be done with gentleness, empathy, and without blame or moralising.
🔑 If what we really want is obedience…
*Then we are actually seeking control, not connection.*‼️
When we try to make a child obey us without regard for how they feel or what they need, we are ignoring their perspective and trying to shape them to fit our expectations. That’s not real relationship. That’s ownership.
And the truth is:
*We cannot be in authentic connection with someone we are trying to control.*‼️
Connection is always more important than obedience.
*So before we try to “teach” with words, we must make room for feelings.*‼️
Only when a child feels emotionally safe can they truly grow, learn, and trust.
🪞 And to those who feel extremely triggered by their child’s emotions…
Children have an ability to awaken our inner child woundsthe parts of us that were dismissed, silenced, or unmet when we were small. Their emotions may be loud, but they often echo something deep within us.
If you’re struggling to stay calm, regulate, or hold space, you are not alone.
I’ve already shared guidance on how to begin regulating yourself and I’ll continue sending you reminders and tools for support, InshaAllah.
And yes, sometimes we need a deeper healing.
If you feel called to explore that, you are welcome to reach out to me privately. I’m here for you. ❤️
This is not easy, it’s a skill. It takes time, patience, and lovenot just for our kids, but for ourselves too.
For many of us, conscious parenting is like learning a whole new language. We all need to strengthen empathy, patience, and presence.
And don’t forget teaching your child emotions or telling them what to do during strong emotions. Teach them when everyone is calm and in a good mood.
May Allah SWT help us raise children who feel safe, understood, and close to us.
Raising consciously is a journey, not a destination. 🌸