Salam Alaikum sisters. 🌸How are you feeling today?
Today I would like to remind you about REJECTION.
Have you ever been rejected by your child? Have you seen your child preferred you than his/ her dad? Or opposite you was rejected? How are you feeling when child rejecting YOU?
When child says: "I hate you!", "Go away! " ,"I do not love you", "You are the worst!", “I love daddy, not you!”
I was talking with one mother recently who was rejected by the teenager daughter during the conflict and she took it very personally. It reminded me and my daughter’s situation and probably that’s why today I would like to stress it out.
So when a child rejects you like that, confusion, sadness, pain can arise in you... Depending on our own childhood experiences, the pain of rejection can be activated, when we were rejected by our parents, and now our own child rejects us. And with such an internal perspective, it can become particularly painful. In such cases, parents themselves usually start behaving like little children (it is actually hurts the inner child): gets angry, insults, takes it personally, demonstratively or naturally cry, showing the child how he/ she hurt them... And sometimes they themselves reject their child when he/ she already wants to communicate: "You said you don't love me, so I don't love you either." or "You are so ugly behaving with me, I won’t give you anything now”.
If you have such reactions, it’s VERY important to turn to yourself, your feelings and not project it onto the child, because the child NEVER responsible for an adult’s feelings. This is simply too much responsibility for a small person. I always saying- outside doesn’t have pain, you are having that pain inside you already and it’s your responsibility to deal with it.
It’s WE, adults, who have the opportunity to provide a child emotional security and stability without taking it personally about ourselves.
IT IS IMPORTANT TO UNDERSTAND: This is a natural development behavior. The child becomes attached to the mother/father who spends the most time with him/ her and especially during sensitive periods, he/ she may want to be only with that person.
Also, the child may want to spend more time with a person who is emotionally closer to the child (therefore it is very important not to punish the child with emotional and physical rejection, not talking, ignoring - this can affect the child's development in the same way as physical violence).
The child always wants contact with both his/ her parents. The fact that you are currently going through this phase of rejection is not personally about you, it is very, very important not to take it personally.
Why children saying that?
Children live in NOW moment. From an adult's perspective, a child's words carry significantly more weight than a child may realize. To him, it may simply mean:
"I'M VERY ANGRY RIGHT NOW"
OR "I don't want to be together right now (and maybe I want to be with you after 5 minutes, or maybe I already want it).
OR "I want to do this activity only with my mother."
HOW SHOULD PARENTS BEHAVE ?
1. Don't take it personally and keep yourself calm. Do few deep breaths, count till 10 ect.
2. Always choose CURIOSITY in all situations. What is going on inside the child: is he angry about something, is he hungry, is he having a hard time, or does he just want to be with someone else at this moment.
3. See what is behind the words and respond to the child's feelings (the words depend on the age): "Hmm... You seem to be very angry with me" , "Now you want to be with mom? Okay "
And if you stay alone with a child and the child wants to be with someone else you can say: "Yes, you wanted to brush your teeth with your dad. You two have a lot of fun together! I have fun with your dad too. He can't come now. I'll help to brush your teeth."
Situations and children, and we all are different but the most important thing to see THAT CHILD IF FRONT OF YOU AND WHAT IS BEHIND THE WORDS, not to fell to victim’s position and to “teach” the child to behave.
I’m as well learning and when I see my teenager daughter not in mood, and pushing me away : “go away!” and closing her room door. I reassuring her that I’m near by if she needs me, but I’m giving a space for some time. Then offering her drink - usually water, sometimes juice. And some fruits before meal.
Btw don’t leave teenagers alone for a long time. Be always very attentive to their behaviour and mood changes. And especially to prolonged bad mood. As most likely something is behind the “scenes“: friends, teachers, school, love, bullying… Always behind child’s bad mood and behaviour are feelings and emotions what child can’t openly communicate it to you because don’t trust you, don’t know how or simply trying to deal with it himself/ herself.
That’s why instead of taking everything personally become more conscious about yourself, your child and other people around.
TASK FOR YOU ALL: 1-2 days become an OBSERVER. Consciously observe child’s behaviour, see his/her body language, how they expressing their emotions and communicating with you. If you have more than one child, choose the one who is more often misbehaving, not listening ect. And at the same time observe your reactions and what are you feeling. DO BIG PAUSES, breath, rethink before saying something.
This task will teach you to be more attentive to your feelings and reactions and as well helps you consciously to notice what is behind the child’s behaviour. What actually child communicates. So less speak- more observe😊
Salam Alaikum ❤️