Salam Alaikum sisters❤️ How are you feeling ?
Today about CHILDREN PERSONAL BOUNDARIES.
A child is a person, worthy of respect from the birth. He/she is not here to entertain us, to make us happy, to please us, child is not responsible for our feelings.
Are you helping your children to keep personal boundaries? Or maybe you’ve never thought about it? 🤔
Is it easy for you to draw boundaries or do other people's feelings still come before your own? Are you teaching your children the same ? Do you respect their boundaries and break the cycles of trauma that have been passed down from generation to generation?
Iftars, Eids, family and relative meetings, guests, neighbours…
✨I want to remind all parents that this world is completely new for little ones, they have only been here for a few years, everything is new for them, they have not experienced, they do not filter the environment, but absorb everything into themselves and this can be very tiring.
They are not yet able to regulate their emotions and their impulses, therefore, when everything is too much, hysteria, screaming, anger, hitting, falling on the ground, throwing things can start. Children don't try to make it difficult for us, it's difficult for them. In this case, don't try to restrain or calm the child down, but accept their experiences with compassion, name their feelings (listen responsively), don't judge, be there and if you see that the environment can be too stimulating (lots of lights, TV, lots of people, sounds, toys) , go out into the fresh air or another room so that the child and his nervous system can relax in a safe and calm environment. 💗
******
By the age of 8, a person's perception of the world is forming and child seeing everything through Self (egocentric world perception).
So the way we value children's personal boundaries now, it shapes their perception of themselves for the rest of their lives.
Pushing or encouraging (by rewards or showing dissatisfaction ) to go and sit down on the laps of familiar aunt, when the child does not want it and he clearly shows signs (like numbness, wide eyes, crying), but mother or father taking pictures by smiling and ignoring the child's boundaries what message child getting? What message child getting about you, about himself, about his security, his personal boundaries, relationships, about life?
I personally want my children will know that their voice and personal boundaries are always visible and respected.
“Recite for us don’t shy ”, “Show grandad how you knowing alphabet ”, “ If you recite without mistakes, I’ll give you extra hour on computer/ give you ice-cream…. ect.
When threats, manipulation, bribes and rewards are used to change and influence a child's behavior, this is not only disrespectful, but also teaches the child to please others, agree, oppress himself, his thoughts, his feelings, betray himself + this is transmitting to the whole his life.
There is no such thing as a "good or bad child”. Child's behavior always should be seen as an unsatisfied needs or lack of skills, and should be understood as a natural part of development.
And shouldn’t be used behaviour control as a motivation for the child to behave as we adults want.
Child can cry, be angry, he can yell and say NO it will never affect what he gets or how his parents will love him.
Notice that not only autonomy, freedom of choice is important, but also HOW we communicate with the child. Are we respectful or demanding ? Do we demand obedience and we feel more important , and that other people are more important than child and creating tension, control and destroying the relationship and connection ? Do we really see the child and their perspective, needs, empathize with their feelings?
It’s a huge topic and I’ll be continuing tomorrow InshaAllah 😊