Today about BOYS and raising SONS.

Salam Alaikum sisters.❤️ Hope you are doing well.

Today about BOYS and raising SONS.

Most of the moms complaining their sons not listening, arguing, not having feelings for others are very active.
And they trying to suppress and oppress them because “ boys should behave”, “shouldn’t shout and jump”, have manners, “sit calmly and paint”. Then they starting to punish and demand “be a good boy”, small boys either suppressing themselves to survive and becoming apathetic, either opposite fighting for their autonomy and becoming “naughty and bad”. Older boys as well either ignoring and becoming rebellious, either apathetic and “lazy”.

If while raising a child, we do not empathize with him, we do not show respect for him and his feelings, and just reject child’s feelings and ignore them
the child grows up without ability to be in touch with himself and another person, to recognize his own or other's feelings, keep and respect his own and others boundaries and to listen to others needs.

How we raise boys depends on how the new generation will look at men.

We have an influence on whether they will have emotional intelligence or not. Will they recognise their own and other people's feelings, understand their body language, be able to be in touch with their own and other people's feelings or not..

So we can’t raise such men with our morals, anger, rejection, not allowing them to feel, with mocking, ignoring, blaming, using physical or psychological violence so that "they learn to respect others".

WHY IT CREATES A PROBLEM?

Because our parenting methods are the message we pass on to our children.

This means that by rejecting, suppressing down, ignoring kids feelings, their (body) privacy we teach to do the same to themselves and other people.

And if a person is not in touch with himself, with his feelings, if he was not respected while growing up in his family, was not sympathised with and learned to suppress his feelings he will certainly won’t care about others either (women's feelings as well).

Respecting the boundaries of the child's body, listening and waiting for his consent to touch his body, respecting his NO, empathically accepting all his feelings and calmly helping to maintain boundaries, recognising emotions and showing regulation through our example we can raise respectful and compassionate people.

REMEMBER we are raising not boys but future mens, someone’s husbands and future fathers.

Here I would like to mention FATHERS importance in children lives. Especially in boys lives.
I can see many men are immature themselves and most of them lacking knowledge about parenting and how to be a father - a role model for kids, especially sons. And here all problems starting.

One third of fathers miss seeing their children grow up because they regularly work 10-hour days according to the researchers. Fathers in professional and managerial jobs work the longest hours and are least likely to have meals with their children or be involved in their care.

The majority of the 2.9 million lone-parent families in 2022 were headed by a lone mother (2.5 million, 84%), with lone fathers now accounting for 16% (457,000) of lone-parent families (UK).
SADLY, but it’s a reality.
Missing father or mother from the child’s life it’s like missing one side body part for children. Because 50% our personality features are from fathers side and 50% from mothers. Children learning from both genders.
So what to do?

First I’ll write few ( including my personal) advices TO MOTHERS:
1. Boys from the mothers can learn what respect looks and feels like, and it's a role of moms to teach it. Moms are also most often the ones who teach their children to have good manners and show respect to their elders and others in general.
2. Mothers should show respect to their fathers and husbands and even if they arguing with them it should be done with respect. Kids learning from us who we are.
3. Single or divorced mothers shouldn’t ignore fathers importance. If father is absent from a child’s life, especially son’s life from the age of 8-9 years old you should search for a men role model for your son. It can be your father, your brother, cousin, other men relatives who are having good character and features, manners and can teach your son manly things and skills. If you still can’t see any man having good qualities in child’s close environment then teacher ( men) can become a role model. That’s why when you choosing clubs ⚽️🏀🎾⚾️🏈🏐 for the boys first know and see what teachers your sons will get, what are their personalities as they become you sons role models.
4. Boys are active, allow it. Boys want to dominate and explore. They jumping and climbing , falling, going to troubles. It’s natural development and normal. When mothers protecting, suppressing, demanding and controlling sons, later on they are more tender to risk their health and life and go to risky activities. If you see your son is active, say Mashallah and let him be active. Boys are more learning through physical activities. What you can teach your sons is to see possibilities and dangers, and teach how to feel their bodies capability ( about this how to do it will be talking more).
5. No scolding for bad marks. If the child getting detentions or very low scored many times in most cases it’s because of lack of relation with mother and father. THERE ARE NO BAD CHILDREN. Boys obeying rules too and learning but if they lacking good atmosphere at home, feeling anxious, and not having motivation and good relation with parents, always being pressurised they are more tensed. Either misbehaving, either loosing interest in learning, either both. And if boys scoring always good marks as well it might be the sign they are doing it for parents and because of the parents and feeling huge pressure to please parents and their expectations.
6. Stop 🛑 making your son living in a fear and comparing with other boys. “If you won’t learn, you’ll go to the container and become homeless”. “ Your friend Mohammed behaves good, and you always put me in trouble ”. Instead of that teach skills: how to iron, make bed, fold clothing, dust, clean, cook, sew 🪡 button and be an example how to feel emotions, what to do when you feeling angry, upset or sad ect.
7. Communicate and establish your own relation with your son. If you having 2, 3 or more sons, even they are twins see, feel and teach them individually. Because each child is unique. Again, don’t compare them. Rather show and teach that to be different and unique is good and help them to recognise their strengths.
8. Tell your stories and struggles as you been a child too. Stories about how I was a good girl and student and pleased my mother not teaching anything. Stories how I failed at exam and then improved, or how I felt in trouble and figured out how to make my own way out will teach your sons. Tell what life lessons you learned and what natural consequences experienced.

Some points to fathers will give next time InshaAllah. I can see from my experience working with families that not all fathers are emotionally and mentally grow up and capable to raise children, especially boys. It obvious that if they didn’t have fathers as a role models and examples and no one taught skills in their childhood they are lacking in their adulthood too.
That’s why I’m encouraging fathers and mothers first to turn to themselves, learn about emotions, communication, cooperation with a spouse, see what skills you are not having and how you can improve and seek help and guidance instead of passing generational traumas on your children and raising same immature people with low emotional intelligence, empathy and skills.
To become conscious, confident and positive parent first of all turn to yourself.

Wishing everyone a nice family time, positive thoughts, energy and peace❤️

Salam Alaikum.

Class tomorrow as usual 10:30 am( UK).