Today about BOUNDARIES AND RULES

Salam Alaikum sisters🌸 How are you feeling today?

Today about BOUNDARIES AND RULES

So first of all conscious and positive parenting can’t be without boundaries and rules. Without it, it will be a passive parenting. What means limited or NO RULES, and mostly children live life on their own terms.

First we need to know what are boundaries and rules and then together with a spouses decide what boundaries and rules we will set up for the family. Each family is individual, each adult family member having his/ her own understanding, values, inner beliefs how to raise children. So first you need to have good discussion and take in mind that you was shaped by your own family where you been raised, so not necessary your husband will understand your points. But at least 2-3 rules you should agree and have as a family.

Do you see difference between boundaries and rules?
Almost all parenting specialists and psychologists will say boundaries and rules making children to feel safe. Children who are raised in families who are having rules and boundaries are more understanding and respecting own needs, and being respectful and understanding of the needs of others, not becoming rude or narcissistic, scattered.
But also children need freedom to try things out, make mistakes ( experience natural consequences) and develop their independence. They need to feel their bodies, discover their own body limits and balance.

So:
1. FIRST boundaries and rules should be DISCUSSED in between the adults. What is important, how they keep them in place. For family rules to work well, everyone needs to know, understand, and follow the rules. By doing this, children don’t get mixed messages about what is okay or not okay. For example, you know screen time should be limited for young children and you want dinner time to be family time so you set a family rule that no screens are allowed during dinner time for anyone.
2. Adults are RESPONSIBLE OF SETTING BOUNDARIES AND RULES.
3. Adults are RESPONSIBLE TO KEEP THEM IN PLACE. If mother allows sometimes to breach boundaries or rules and father not, child always will choose flexible and “weak” parent to get what he/ she wants. Remember, children not manipulating weak parent, they don’t have these abilities, even it seems they doing something purposely, it’s not true. They are having needs, wishes, feelings, emotions. ALWAYS.
4. Boundaries and rules needs to be clear explained to kids, good to use pictures and talk with them, or write down and let bigger children write it down. Discuss together and make sure child understands it. Here you can’t ask: “do you understand!?” Rather ask to explain how child understood what you said. For smaller kids you need to repeat and show your example.
5. All boundaries and rules should be set up according to CHILD’S age and development. For young children, focus on only two or three of the most important rules at any one time. If your child learns a rule and he is following it consistently, you can add new rules.
6. Rules and boundaries can change when child grows.
7. Child needs time to integrate boundaries and rules. And adults task is TO HELP THEM TO INTEGRATE.
8. Remember, children copying and following adults. If a rule is to remove shoes and put on a shoe rack always, each family member should follow that without excuses. So in many cases first we need to discipline ourselves to follow rules and boundaries. As adults we can’t behave how we want and then say to the child: “I’m an adult and I can do whatever, you are child you must listen to me”.
9. CHILDREN’S JOB - TO TEST THE BOUNDARIES. They will be testing. Naturally children don’t have impulse control, as their brains developing till 25 years old, especially small ones. So by only shouting from the kitchen: “ Stop jumping on the sofa!” It won’t help.
10. WE- ADULTS, ARE RESPONSIBLE TO KEEP BOUNDARIES, so we should be near by IN PRESENT. If I’m in the kitchen and not near by, means little child can do anything. Means it’s me who couldn’t keep boundary if child again climbed to jump on the sofa. As an adult I need to stop action before it’s starts. And prepare environment for child to be active, I should show where child can jump or take him out. Children are active, curious, explorers. SO not a CHILD NEEDS SLAPS AND SHOUTINGS if something he/ she broke, painted wall, bumped, climbed, felt…It’s us adults need to be in present to help a child.
11. DAILY ROUTINE IS VERY IMPORTANT AND HELPING TO KEEP FAMILY BOUNDARIES AND RULES in place. It should be a system: do’s and dont’s . If we follow a system: natural circadian rhythm, religion rules, values and teach children skills they will grow up balanced and well prepared for the rest of the life.

Parents, usually who are having older children/teenagers saying: “I want my child ask me before he wants to do something and seek my permission”.
REMEMBER, only if you are in RELATION and children know that you are ALWAYS AVAILABLE AND READY TO LISTEN AND HELP NO MATTER WHAT, they will ask your PERMISSION.
Children CAN TRUST parents if they are IN RELATION.
CAN ASK parents if they are IN RELATION.
CAN OBEY RULES AND BOUNDARIES of parents if they are IN RELATION.

So ALWAYS PUT RELATION IN FIRST PLACE AND YOU AS A PARENT NEVER LOOSE ANYTHING ❤️

Example how to set up rules:

It’s not a rule: “ BE A GOOD GIRL/ BOY”. It can mean many things.

Rule would be: “Talk to others how you would like them to talk to you.” And here you need to explain what does it mean, give examples, ask your children how they understand it.
Usually these type rules better to split to integrate more effectively, especially for smaller children:
* No interrupting while other person talking. Wait for your turn to speak.
* No yelling/ shouting on each other in the house. Use a calm voice when talking or giving arguments to each other.
* No hurting. Keep your hands and feet to yourself. For example, if the rule is “no hurting others,” you may need to describe what “hurting” means. When a child first hits, bites, or kicks someone, you may need to say, “Hitting is hurting. Our rule is no hurting. You should keep your hands to yourself.”
Rules and boundaries are so much related with emotions and feelings.
Child should know what he/ she first can do with emotions and feelings and what is allowed in family. So we need to teach kids what to do when feeling angry, upset and what options they can choose/ they are having.
Remember little children needs your help to regulate emotions, it’s called emotions co regulation with a help of an adult.

About praises and punishments and how rules and boundaries can ( can’t? ) exist without punishments and praises/ awards more we discussing in classes. But will text here information as well. Slowly. InshaAllah