Salam Alaikum sisters. 🌸 How are you feeling today?
Today about:
🟡A CHILD DOESN’T WANT TO SHARE🟡
“My child fighting ( hitting, biting) and doesn’t want to share toys with others, what should I do?”
Many times I heard this question from moms.
First I’ll tell you WHAT NOT TO DO?
• Don't force a child to apologise
• Don’t force to share
• Don't shame
• Don’t compare with others/ other kids
• Don’t manipulate
• Don't blame
• Don't punish (don't apply a consequence s making the child feel worser)
• Don’t push child away + don’t use "Time-OUT"
“BUT HOW A CHILD WILL UNDERSTAND THAT TO BEHAVE LIKE THIS IT’S NOT APPROPRIATE IF HE/SHE WON'T GET ANY CONSEQUENCES FOR THE BEHAVIOUR? HOW CHILD WILL DEVELOP THE SOCIAL SKILLS HE/SHE NEEDS?
I WANT MY CHILD TO BE FRIENDLY, KIND, RESPECTFUL, SHARE, FEEL SORRY…”
Always remember that…
OUR PARENTING METHOD IS A MESSAGE, WHICH WE PASS TO OUR CHILDREN.
Do you really want him/her to give his/ her items (or even not only items) to a stranger, just if someone will say I want something from you?
Do you want your child understands this: if you don't like something, instead of solving the problem you need a solution - to shame, reject + to cause another person unpleasant feelings (punish) and that's the message he/ she needs to carry for the rest of the life?
SO WHAT TO DO?
• There is no need to share items or give them to someone else
•While one playing, the other is waiting
• Help your child respect the other child's boundaries
• Help him maintain his boundaries
• If the child has difficulty to regulate himself - be with him ("Time-IN")
• Calmly block physical abusive behaviour - always be together + if necessary, leave the place together with the child.
• Remind yourself that such behavior is natural for the child's development (but pay attention to what stimulates him, to his tiredness + stress signals). The child does not yet have the necessary skills to behave differently and he will need your help here.
PRACTICAL ADVICE :
If the other child unexpectedly comes to the park and tries to take your child's toy, you can say:
"It seems that the girl was very sad, she wanted to look at your car. Do you want to give it to her later? No? Okay."
If it is a meeting with friends, relatives keep only those items/ toys in advance what child agrees to share.
It's natural that small children will need help here, so stay beside.
Let the children solve the situations themselves, and sometimes you need to help them to stop: “don’t grab from her hands, wait until she will finish to play and then you can take it.”
PRACTICAL ADVICE
If the child starts to fight, bite, do not leave him/ her alone with other children. You must always be in present.
IT’S YOUR RESPONSIBILITY, not the child's, to keep him and other children safe. A child cannot do this by himself/ herself.
Be there, ready to step in and help navigate the situation:
"You wanted to hit him, I won't let you to hit the boy, it will hurt him. I'll help you stop. You wanted to take his book? When he finishes reading, you can take it/ ask for it. ”
SO WHAT TO DO?
• Show respect and kindness with your behavior
• Whatever others say -
EVERYTHING IS FINE WITH YOUR CHILD
And the most important thing is that he/she should be visible,understood and feel that his/ her boundaries are respected and he/ she should be helped to respect others' boundaries.
Children do not have the ability to control their impulses, so we must be near and help them.
The need for DISCIPLINE is not to punish, but to teach❤️
We can help them to see bigger perspective, without shaming and blaming, without pressurising to give items to others but naming everyones feelings, helping to see
what is happening, helping to stop and direct child’s actions somewhere else,
trusting the child's development.
Their brains are developing!
They will grow up not with punishments, but with proper guidance, they will gain
missing skills without losing themselves and keeping boundaries.
“BUT WHAT TO DO IF SIBLINGS FIGHTING AND NOT SHARING? Example bigger brother not giving his toys to smaller sister”.
This is as well common question from many worried moms.
About siblings fights and many more I’m talking in classes.
In short I can answer through situation: imagine you working in the office many years. Would you like to share everything even your personal belongings with a new younger colleague who just started to work in the office? Probably not everything. So kids as well protecting and owning their belongings. And it doesn’t mean they are greedy or their toys worths less than your purse 👛 . What you probably wouldn’t simply give to any colleague if your boss will say to do so.
Even siblings are from the same family, they shouldn’t be forced, manipulated, shamed or punished. Each child’s boundaries should be respected, all children’s feelings should be accepted.