Recently I came across a video where a woman was teaching other women:

We for You | Daily Reflection | *by Maryam* ❤️

Salam Alaikum dear Brothers and Sisters. Hope you all are doing well this Saturday.
Warm welcome new member to the group.💛

“You must have intercourse more often and you can train your mind like going to the gym.
At first you won’t like it, but later you will get used to it and start enjoying.”

And I thought: How many of us truly understand our biology and how Allah SWT created us, men and women -our needs, our differences, and how to find solutions that respect both spouses?

Many sisters hear such messages and become confused, anxious worried or angry.

Many brothers hear such messages and start pressuring their wives.

And many couples begin to think:

🤔 “Maybe we are mismatched.”🧐“Maybe my desire is wrong.”
😵‍💫“Maybe we are failing.”

I want to address this with biology, psychology, Islamic principles, and common sense, in wording easy for everyone to understand.
I will share this topic over several messages InshaAllah.

So today about:*THE NATURE OF DISIRE IN MEN AND WOMEN*

And yes, we all know the Islamic stories that are often repeated in lectures and videos: the story of the woman said to have dismounted her camel to attend to her husband, and the story of the woman whose son died yet she still served her fasting husband.
The camel story is classified by scholars as weak or fabricated, so it should not be used as Islamic guidance. The story of Umm Sulaym (رضي الله عنها) is authentic, but it reflects her personal wisdom and emotional strength, not a rule or expectation for all women.

We should remember that we are all different spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically, so our needs and capacities are not identical for every person.

🌿 1. Biology and Psychology proves women cannot “train” desire like a muscle.

The idea that women should train themselves to want intimacy through frequency is NOT scientifically, biologically, or psychologically correct.

Researches clearly shows:

✔ Desire is NOT a muscle
You cannot train it like the gym.

✔ Frequency does NOT automatically increase desire in women

But, yes for some men, more intimacy increases desire.
For many women, it does NOT.

✔ Women do NOT “train” their bodies to want intimacy.

Because women’s desire does NOT work the same way as male desire.

This is supported by respected researchers: Rosemary Basson, Emily Nagoski, ISSWSH (International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health).
There are many articles about that, but I always recommend to do your own research and understand each topic holistically.

So dear Sisters, if you heard “just train your body, or mind ” you are not wrong to question it.

And dear Brothers, now you understand why this concept does not apply to women the same way.

🌿 2. Now about what science actually says about women’s desire.

⭐ Women’s desire is often responsive, not spontaneous.

Most women do not feel desire “out of nowhere.”
It begins after emotional closeness, affection, or safety.

⭐ Desire grows when the environment feels right.

Women need: safety, calmness, emotional connection, trust, low stress, feeling appreciated.
Without these, desire shuts down naturally.

⭐ Stress kills desire

Cortisol (the stress hormone) suppresses libido.
*A stressed woman cannot feel desire.This is biology, not attitude.*‼️

⭐ Body image matters

Feeling judged decreases desire.
Feeling valued increases it.

And here I’m inviting sisters to start loving their bodies. We are talking about it in classes a lot.

⭐ Women are not “broken” for needing connection first

This is the normal female sexual response model, supported by large studies. I can give you references if you need it. But you definitely can Google yourself.

⭐️ Woman’s desire naturally fluctuates across her life stages: childbirth, breastfeeding, menopause, menstrual cycles, health conditions.
Longitudinal research shows that women’s desire dips and rises with life transitions rather than staying constant.

Women are not machines.
They are emotional, spiritual, and psychological beings created with depth and sensitivity.
And just like men, women develop at their own pace throughout life emotionally, psychologically, and even in how they understand and express desire.
Both spouses continue growing, learning, and evolving over the time.

🌿🌙*3. Now, few words from Islamic perspective: marriage is mercy, not pressure in anything*.

Islam teaches spouses to avoid forcing, harm, emotional pressure, and guilt, and instead build their marriage on kindness, gentleness, understanding differences, fulfilling rights with compassion, and practicing patience and mercy.

Allah SWT says:
“They are garments for you, and you are garments for them.” (2:187)
*Garments are comforting, protecting, and gentle and naturally, a human being wants to remove or distance themselves from anything that feels uncomfortable or harmful.*‼️

The Prophet pbuh encouraged tenderness, conversation, connection and emotional closeness before physical closeness.

This means that building emotional safety and kindness is not optional, it is the foundation that allows physical closeness to grow naturally, without pressure or discomfort.

In the next parts, InshaAllah, I will share about men’s desire, women’s inner world, Islamic and simple solutions for couples who feel they are “mismatching.”