PRACTICAL ADVICES
2
Real situation:
“My son is 4.5 years old. When he gets angry starts to throw items and kick me. What should I do?
What consequence to apply?”
This is a very common question parents asking me.
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When a child pours out his STRONG EMOTIONS😭, he starts screaming, throwing things, punching, kicking...you feeling stress and want to stop it asap…
And somehow to show him/ her what kind of inappropriate behavior it is, so that next time he/ she can control himself/ herself better.
Before I’ll explain what practically you can do, think about YOURSELF…
What consequences will you give yourself when you raise your voice, when you yell at a child, or when you slam a door in anger?
What consequence will help to do otherwise?
Are you really becoming out of control because you don’t know that this is inappropriate methods?
Will it help you that after raising your voice you would be locked in another room to be apart from your family ?
Maybe. Because you are an adult and you can think about what happened and what could have been different.
A CHILD CAN'T DO THAT!
You don't control yourself because you don't realize that minute you shouldn't be doing that.
You do not control yourself, because at that moment you do not feel impulse control, your logical area of the brain does not work, you act from the filter of your belief and traumatic experience, from stress and learned strategies for dealing with stress in childhood.
You don't need a consequence. You need
PAUSE. You need return to logical brain area, you need to develop the skills that lacks, not through behavior control (punishments and rewards), but through self-compassion, practice, and self-awareness.
And you are an adult. With developed brain.
You have the ability to connect with the logical area of the brain.
LITTLE CHILDREN DON'T HAVE IT.
Because that area is not yet developed.
Does it change your perspective?
Does it help to see, that child
ALREADY doing the best he/ she can.
He/ she does not need punishment/consequences or praise to shape behavior.
He/ she needs help maintain their own security and others' safety without fear. He needs space to FEEL his feelings + to see how you feel and you regulate your feelings.
He needs YOUR CALM and STABILITY, because only this can help his nervous system to adjust and in fact it helps to develop the skills that lacks.
REMEMBER‼️
A child will never be able to deal with his emotions. ‼️He has to go through emotions‼️
And we can help children to do this - this is called co-regulation - regulation of another human help🤗👩👦👩👧🫂
If we want the child simply to stop feeling, that suppressed emotions energy does not disappear anywhere and about the consequences I’ll post separately.
SO WHAT TO DO:
1. If such a desire arises, if crying or whining starts to annoy and causes anger- first of all we have to regulate our emotions ourselves‼️
2. The most important words (said out loud or in your mind, because sometimes we just have to be in silence):
“I am here with you”.
(When it’s hard I recommend saying these words to yourself - to your inner child too ).
3. And repeat in your mind: “My child is not causing difficulties for me, it’s difficult for him/her”.
4. Sometimes children want to be alone or we can't be together, but we can keep them safe and calm space inside us and trust that they can go through their feelings, that we don't need to end the feelings as soon as possible in any way.
5. Stay with a child and if behaviour is aggressive, example hurting you or damaging items, you can in calmly voice say: “It’s hurting me and painful, I won’t allow you to hurt me”and you can take his hand by stopping his action”. It depends on the situation and child, and child’s age. But usually children doesn’t need words they need just to know you are near. You can offer hug, or simply don’t say anything.
6. Most of the emotions lasting around 90 s, later coming feelings. When the child is calm and happy and not after tantrums teach him emotions regulation techniques.
About techniques I’ll post separately and wil show you in classes or our meetings.