Jazakalah khair for the questions and the beautiful messages I received…

We for You | Daily Reflection | *by Maryam* ❤️

Salam Alaikum dear Brothers and Sisters, I hope you are feeling well today.

Warm welcome new member to the group.

Jazakalah khair for the questions and the beautiful messages I received again. I received two more questions, which I will leave for the end of this topic on desire in marriage. And one of the question is extremely related with today’s topic.

⭐ TODAY: Second Step Knowing Each Other’s Core Values and how they are related to desire in marriage.

As we already know, the first step toward restoring desire and intimacy in marriage is creating a safe, peaceful, and respectful environment between both spouses. The heart cannot open where it does not feel protected.

Intimacy in marriage is NOT ONLY about physical closeness - it is about connection.

Both Islam and the dictionary define marriage as a committed union based on responsibility, partnership, and forming a stable family.
Islam adds a spiritual and sacred purpose to that commitment.
That’s why it’s called marriage.
*And connection grows when each spouse understands what the other needs most.*❗️

Many Couples Don’t Talk About Core Values. Many men and women do not know their own core values.
People often react from emotion or habit without understanding what actually matters most to their heart - safety, closeness, respect, affection, loyalty, appreciation, or feeling valued.

Without knowing this:

⚡️Needs cannot be expressed clearly.
⚡️Misunderstanding grows.
⚡️Desire becomes confusing instead of connecting

🌍 Some core values are universal, shared by men and women across cultures and Islam strongly protects these values:
• Loyalty (amanah)
• Trust
• Respect
• Emotional safety
• Honesty
• Kindness
• Appreciation
• Commitment
• Peace in the home (sakinah)
• Family connection
• Feeling valued and chosen

Allah SWT describes marriage as:

“Tranquility (sakinah), affection (mawaddah), and mercy (rahmah)”
(Surah Ar-Rum 30:21)

*When these values are present, desire grows naturally.*❗️

*When they are missing, desire struggles, no matter how strong attraction once was.*❗️

We all need to know and understand that core values do not disappear over the time, but their priority changes, and psychology fully supports this.

Islam also acknowledges human growth and change.
The Prophet pbuh taught us that *hearts change, and wisdom lies in renewing intention and understanding, not denying change.*‼️

So what usually changes is the order of importance, not the values themselves.

Psychology and Islam show that core values are:

• Shaped by development.
• Influenced by life stages.
• Reordered by life events.
• Refined through self-awareness.

Most people carry the same values throughout life like safety, love, respect, meaning but their priority shifts.

*Islam encourages reflection (muhasabah) so that change becomes conscious, not destructive.*‼️

We all need to know Values across life stages and how they shift to have better understanding:

🌱 Early adulthood
Attraction, freedom, and passion are strong.
Biology is strong, responsibility is low.

🏗️ Midlife (marriage, children, responsibility)
Values shift toward stability, loyalty, family, and purpose.
Desire becomes connected to trust and peace.

🌿 Later life
Values focus on companionship, emotional intimacy, spirituality, and legacy.
Physical desire may soften, but emotional connection deepens.

*Islam honors every stage of life and does not expect desire to look the same at every age.*‼️

Major life events: marriage, children, illness, loss, hardship, spiritual awakening etc. force the heart and nervous system to re-prioritise what matters.

*Islam teaches patience (sabr) and mercy (rahmah) during these transitions, especially between spouses.*❗️

Many people don’t notice the change and not paying attention because:

⚡️People live on autopilot
⚡️Reflection is neglected
⚡️Emotional literacy is not taught
⚡️Habits are confused with values

So in marriage it sounds like:
“You’re not the same anymore.”

In reality, priorities changed, not love.

So problems arise when:

1️⃣One spouse evolves
2️⃣The other assumes values stayed the same
3️⃣No gentle conversation happens

Healthy marriages, as encouraged in Islam:

❤️Revisit intentions and values
❤️Ask: What matters most to you now?
❤️Adjust expectations with compassion

Desire fades when values clash.‼️
*Desire grows when values are updated and aligned.*‼️

We need to remember that many women feel desire through:
• Emotional safety
• Loyalty
• Appreciation
• Connection

Many men experience desire through:
• Physical closeness
• Respect
• Loyalty
• Feeling valued

These are not stereotypes.
They are common patterns rooted in biology, emotional wiring, and responsibility, all acknowledged in Islamic marital wisdom.

❤️‍🔥 So what to do practically when core values differ:

A woman may need emotional safety before desire opens.
A man may feel desire first and connect emotionally through intimacy.

*Islam teaches gentleness, patience, and understanding, not blame.*‼️

Difference is not the problem.
*Ignoring or rejecting difference is.*‼️

When spouses say:

“My spouse isn’t rejecting me they need emotional closeness and loyalty first.”

“My spouse isn’t using me, physical intimacy is how they feel loved.”

…marriage becomes partnership, not tension.

Core values do not disappear.
They change their position in the heart.

And a WISE SPOUSE does not ask:

“Why did you change?”

They ask:

“Which core values matter most to you now?”

*That single question rebuilds connection by inviting understanding and renewed intention - rather than resisting change.*‼️

🌱 Remember, dear Brothers and Sisters
• Desire grows where loyalty and safety exist;
• Desire fades where trust is broken or pressure replaces respect;
• Desire is sustained when both spouses protect each other’s core values.

This aligns with both psychology and Islamic ethics.

🔜 Third Step -Biology

Sudden, strong desire, especially for men, o low libido what more common nowadays in women connects to biology, which is the third step: knowing ourselves physically. Practical guidance, from both an Islamic and psychological perspective, will come in the next message, InshaAllah.

*May Allah SWT grant us clarity in our values and the wisdom to meet our spouses with understanding and mercy.*🤲🏻❤️