In the last message, we reflected on what NIKAH truly is, not just a feeling…

We for You | Daily Reflection | *by Maryam* ❤️

Salam Alaikum dear Brothers and Sisters, I hope you are all feeling well today.

In the last message, we reflected on what NIKAH truly is, not just a feeling or a moment, but a spiritual contract and a serious life commitment, meant to create sakinah, mawaddah, and rahmah.

Islam does not leave marriage to emotions alone. Love rises and falls, moods change, and life brings pressure. This is why Islam gives structure -*ROLES* and *RESPONSIBILITIES*-not to create hierarchy or control, but to protect balance, justice, emotional safety, and mercy inside the home.

🚹*Responsibilities of the HUSBAND*

Islam places a greater overall responsibility on the husband -not because he is better, but because he is more accountable before Allah SWT.
Allah SWT made the husband qawwam -a caretaker and guardian.

Allah SWT says:

“Men are caretakers (qawwamun) of women because Allah SWT has given some more strength than others and because they spend from their wealth.”
(Qur’an 4:34)

This means, dear brothers, that Allah SWT trusted you with more responsibility.🚨 Personally, I see men as a creation in whom Allah SWT placed the capacity to carry pressure, make difficult decisions, and stabilise situations. This trust is heavy, but it is meaningful.
I believe every man has this potential, but not every man has yet learned how to understand it, develop it, or consciously carry it.

This caretaking includes several key responsibilities:

1. Financial provision (nafaqah)

Islam obligates the husband to provide for his wife according to his means, as Allah SWT says: “Let a man of wealth spend according to his means…” (Qur’an 65:7), even if the wife is financially independent.

From a psychological perspective, consistent provision creates emotional safety. 🚨When provision is unstable or used as pressure, anxiety and resentment grow. Women need consistency to feel secure.

2. Physical safety and housing

Islam obligates the husband to provide appropriate housing and a safe, dignified living environment, as Allah SWT says: “Lodge them where you dwell, according to your means, and do not harm them” (Qur’an 65:6).

Without physical safety, the nervous system stays in survival mode. Peace and intimacy cannot grow where safety is missing. *Women, biologically and emotionally, are generally more vulnerable and need this sense of protection.*🚨

3. Emotional regulation and kind treatment

Allah SWT commands husbands to live with their wives in maruf - “…And live with them in kindness (maruf).”
(Qur’an 4:19)

Living with one’s wife in maruf means treating her in a way that is just, kind, reasonable, dignified, and free from harm -emotionally, physically, and socially -according to Allah’s SWT law and sound human conscience.

The Prophet pbuh said:

“The strongest person is not the one who overpowers others, but the one who controls himself when angry.”
(Bukhārī & Muslim)

Emotionally, leadership without self-regulation creates fear, not sakinah. A calm, emotionally regulated presence stabilises the home.
I personally see this as a *heavy burden on men - the responsibility to know themselves, understand their triggers, heal childhood wounds, learn self-regulation, and grow into emotionally intelligent, stable men.*🚨

4. Leadership through restraint, not dominance

Qiwamah means self-control, foresight, patience, and mercy - not force or intimidation.

The Prophet pbuh said:

“The best of you are the best to their families.”
(Tirmidhī)

In Islam, leadership means carrying more pressure, not demanding more obedience.

From a mental, physical, and emotional health perspective, more pressure means more responsibility for men to learn about themselves, to learn how to rest, release stress, and cope in halal and healthy ways.

As we can all see, being a man today is not easy. Pressures are high, and many were never taught how to carry responsibility in a healthy way.
Yet if Allah SWT entrusted men with these roles, it is because Allah SWT knows best. This trust is not random or unjust, it is based on a capacity Allah SWT placed within men, even if it still needs to be developed and refined by men themselves.

🚺*Responsibilities of the WIFE*

From the Qur’an, Sunnah, and classical fiqh, the core obligations of a wife in marriage are: Trust, Dignity, and Cooperative Partnership- THAT’S IT.

*The wife’s role in Islam focuses on protecting the relational and moral fabric of the marriage.*🚨

1. Safeguarding trust (amanah)

“*So righteous women are devoutly obedient and guard in the husband’s absence what Allah would have them guard*.”
(Qur’an 4:34)

This is about moral trust, not servitude.
*Protecting the husband’s honor, privacy, property, and secrets in his absence.*🚨

Psychologically, trust is the foundation of emotional security. Even emotional or verbal betrayal damages attachment. A woman also needs to find healthy ways to protect this trust.

2. Preserving dignity and respect

“And for women are rights similar to those upon them, according to what is fair (maruf).”
(Qur’an 2:228)

Preserving dignity means avoiding humiliation, mockery, or exposing private marital matters publicly.
Public disrespect breaks emotional safety and often leads to withdrawal and resentment. This is one of the ways a woman protects the sanctity of the marriage space.
Islam never requires a woman to sacrifice her dignity in the name of obedience. Obedience in Islam exists within maruf what is just, reasonable, and free from harm.

3. Cooperation in what is good (maruf)

Supporting the marriage in lawful, ethical, and reasonable matters.
The Prophet pbuh said:

“*There is no obedience to creation if it involves disobedience to the Creator*.”
(Aḥmad)

In Islam, cooperation is never blind obedience and never includes injustice, harm, or sin.

This does not negate the wife’s obligation to marital intimacy or safeguarding the marital home within what is reasonable and lawful, as established in classical fiqh.

Mutual Responsibilities of Both Spouses

As I wrote in the previous message, some mutual responsibilities belong equally to both, and without them no marriage can truly thrive:

• Kindness and respect
• Honest communication
• Emotional safety
• Sexual consideration and rights
• Patience during hardship
• Mercy during weakness

To be honest, because of my work with clients, I had to research deeply the topic of household chores.

Islam does not make cooking, cleaning, or housework a legal obligation upon the wife. These are acts of cooperation and kindness, not enforceable duties.

At the same time, Islam does not grant authority to the husband without responsibility, and it does not demand obedience without justice.

So it becomes clear:

• The husband carries greater authority tied to greater responsibility.

• The wife carries relational responsibility tied to dignity and trust.

So roles in Islam are not about who serves whom.
They are about who carries which responsibility so that sakinah, mawaddah, and rahmah can exist.

NIKAH can be legally valid, yet spiritually unfulfilled when sakinah, mawaddah, and rahmah are missing and marriage loses its Qur’anic purpose. This often happens because we enter nikah culturally, based on what we saw growing up, rather than learning our roles as Allah SWT defined them. When roles are assumed instead of understood, marriage becomes survival, not tranquility.
When responsibilities are taken with awareness and fulfilled within Islamic roles, through cooperation, consent, and justice, sakinah can settle, mawaddah can grow, and rahmah can be lived.

Wishing everyone wisdom and peace.❤️