Salam Alaikum sisters, hope you are doing well❤️
I wanted to continue about maturity of the person. But because everything is so much related with a relation decided to write about healthy relation between husband and wife now. Conflicts raised between husband and wife depends on their personal maturity.
Having different opinions and arguments, different view points it’s nothing wrong. It’s all about how we communicate it out and accept differences. Remember, our kids like cctv looking at us, learning and copying us each day.
Most of us don’t know how to express opinion and tell view points in appropriate manner. How to say no, and step back from the conflict on time. How to accept another person’s opinion without giving up on your own and not to go to deep conflict and arguments. Most of us don’t know how to read body language and have eye contact and talk without hysterical screaming, shouting, pushing, pulling, slapping, humiliating, scolding, trying to defend each other ect or opposite ignoring and not talking few days/weeks/months. And most of us lacking knowledge about emotional intelligence and healthy conflict.
So the RULE No 1. what I’m teaching first :
Start conversation from the words
“ I’M feeling…….low, tired, unhappy, sad, disappointed, struggling…..”
Your spouse is not a magician and can’t imagine how are you feeling. So talking is essential.
RULE No 2. another person not taking other’s emotions personally as a blame and just listening…. It can be asked: What made you feel like that?
Again, mature people never blame each other. “Because of you…you did it…you didn’t do ect…” it’s very childish blames and actually exactly how most of us talking in conflicts.
Guess where and when we all learned it from?
That moment both spouses might have different feelings and opinions but the most important to be conscious about yourself. “What I’m feeling? How do I know that? Where it’s coming from my knowledge and feelings?”
Aren’t you having internal fight and not satisfied about yourself and just because of that all blame’s going towards another person?
You might be feeling tired, exhausted, unwell and putting high requirements for yourself ect. Also you might be feeling pressure and expectations from others.
Once I was talking with my friend, and she wasn’t satisfied in her marriage, as a mother and as a wife. And she said, I always fighting with kids and my husband and feeling failure. She was mentally and emotionally tired and on the edge of divorse. I said there is “no home without smoke” it means there is no home where people won’t have conflicts. She said “means in my home always is fire”. I said stop fighting, as much as you want that everything will be in your way everyone will fight with you and you will fight with them. Fire extinguishing when we are not putting logs into it. Ask yourself: “What are you fighting for?”
20 years passed since I saw her, she is still married with same husband, her kids going to university, she is having business, and we talked recently about her life. She realised that time she was having internal fight: her home should be perfect, otherwise she will be failure and stupid, what people will say (her brother, her colleagues) and expectations about the husband was very high. Same was from the husband side.
Most of men are lost and stressed and most of them have illusions how their woman should behave, look like, think and carry all household chores, do carrier and have time for them. Expectations, expectations, expectations…from both husband and wife are way too high…And coming from internal visions, beliefs how it should be and what we saw/ learned from our families.
“My mom raised 9 children and she was alright being home. But my wife is always tired and moaning with 2 children”…
“ My husband always angry and he even can’t spend 10 min. with a child”…
Remember, your husband and wife is not your mother or father, brother or cousin… you can’t expect anything or compare with others.
It’s a unique personality with unique traits, view points, traditions, understanding, upbringing, childhood traumas and experiences.
I was planing to organise one event for men and women about relations and conflicts, just thinking about format of the event.
Meanwhile I hope you will share this information with your spouse as it’s for you both to rethink how much you are mature in conflicts and what example you are for your kids.
Wishing everyone wisdom and inner peace❤️