Salam Alaikum dear sisters, 🌸
I hope you are all doing well.
A warm welcome to our new sister in the group.❤️
It’s been a while since I wrote about kids and teenagers. And recently, I received a question from one sister. Since she gave permission to share her situation in the group, I’ll share it with you all. I hope it will be beneficial for all of us InshaAllah.
“If a child behaves well, he gets a reward (for example a smartwatch or a phone) from step father. But if he misbehaves (goes out with friends without permission, leaves his room messy, talks back, etc.), then those gifts are taken away. The child gets them back only after a few months if he does something very good again or simply if step father is in a good mood. He doesn’t have biological children, he refuse to study about teenagers, and his parenting is based only on strict control and rewards/punishments. I understand the child has a difficult character and struggles at school, but I can’t explain to him that strict punishment will not change him. What to do?”
I have already spoken about teenagers age before, but I’ll repeat it here: raising teenagers is challenging for parents, but it is no less difficult for the teenagers themselves. We also spoke about this in our Sunday classes.
Strictness and taking away things do not work with children. And you are right.
It’s natural that teenagers are not yet fully mature, their brains are still developing, so their behavior is often impulsive. Some children have a stronger character, or are what we call “strong-willed children” from birth. That is not a bad thing, actually, it’s the opposite. If a teenager talks back, it means they have their own opinion, want to do things their way, and test rules. If guided correctly, such a child can become a leader.
That’s why I highly recommend extracurricular activities and strong, good coaches or mentors. This gives the child purpose and motivation. Good clubs also gather motivated kids. As the saying goes: “If you want to be a millionaire, spend time with millionaires.” Find what your child enjoys and direct him in that way.
Such a child doesn’t need harsh punishments, he needs clear boundaries, patience, and consistent agreements. Constantly taking away gifts, does not work and only creates more tension.
If you want your child to learn responsibility, you and your husband need to agree on clear rules and boundaries together. This requires patience, wisdom, and maturity from both of you but only then will your child listen and respect you.
The most important thing is to agree between yourselves: what do you both want from your child, why do you want it, and then keep a united position. Let him challenge your decisions and rules -that’s okay! His arguing is actually his strength. Such children grow into adults who are not afraid to defend their beliefs or search for solutions. What they need to learn is how to do this respectfully.
So if he challenges you, say: “Let’s look for solutions together.”
This is where I often “catch” teenagers. Teenagers are searching for their identity, and they want to be seen as mature. Tell him: “If you want us to trust you, show us maturity.” Praise him: “You’ve always been smart since childhood, and I remember when you acted wisely in that situation… I believe you can now come up with the best solution from your side.”
As I often say: “Why to have a war and power struggles? Let’s sit down at the negotiation table.”
Write down the agreements, put them in a visible place, and make sure everyone, including parents, follows them consistently.
Just like we have rules on airplanes, on the roads, in mosques, and even in games like Roblox (you can mention the game your child plays), the same way there should be rules at home.
If we, as parents, show maturity and consistency, it will be much easier for our children to accept our rules.
Your husband may also have that same teenage impulsiveness mixed with his fatherly love. So everything I wrote for the child, you can also gently say to your husband.
And make sure to praise him too: “You were so smart when you handled that and that situation… I really appreciated when we agreed together on this…” Find positive points in his behavior as well, and I believe you’ll reach his heart.
All children and teenagers break rules - because that’s how they learn limits. It does not mean the parents are failing or teenagers are bad, it is a natural stage of growth.
You can tell your husband simply:
“Kids and teenagers will always break rules, that’s their age. The important thing is not to react impulsively, but to stay consistent. If we calmly stick to our agreements, he will eventually learn and understand the boundaries.”
Wishing you patience and success. ❤️
May Allah SWT bless all children and families and grant them love, patience, guidance, and happiness in this life and the Hereafter.🤲🏻